He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
