WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
