I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
