How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
