I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
