My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
