Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
