i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
