This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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