I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
