At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
