I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
