OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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