Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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