I'm so fucking centered right now
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
