party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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