The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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