I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
