Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
