life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
