Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
