your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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