i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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