Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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