He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
