ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
