come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
