Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize