is your mom at the bar?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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