plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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