shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
