Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
