my mouth tastes like poor choices
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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