Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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