Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
