One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
