So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
there is glitter all over my balls
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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