this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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