awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
