People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
