im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
