You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
