I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
