I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
