I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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