Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
