I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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