i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
