Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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