Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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