I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Can I color on your dick again?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
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