First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
