I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
