one two three fourrrrnication!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
