she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
