i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
