You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
