Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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