She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
