im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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