So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
