The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
