i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
